For unknown reasons, some of you have a sadistic tendency to watch things that will induce nightmares. I see no other reason why a rational person would sit of their own free will and subject themselves to a horror movie, but maybe it’s my bias. Nevertheless, we at the 49th love you and decided to come up with our very own Guide to ‘Surviving a horror movie’ from somebody without a death wish of course.
- If you hear a sound in a lonely house, RUN:
When you’re not a mad person, how will you hear a suspicious sound in the house, or the woods or wherever and your first thought is to go, ‘Hello? Is anybody there?’ Shebi the monster in the house will answer you with a tom holland worthy British voice and say, ‘Right along mate, I’m over in the kitchen, do you want a spot of tea?’ Be realistic for the love of God. If you hear a sound, RUN like hell, run like the devil is pursuing you, and in all likelihood he probably is. And don’t be like Lot’s wife my dear, face your front.
- Curiosity Kills:
And unlike the cat, na only one life you get. Mind your business. Nobody sent you message, don’t be doing oversabi work that nobody sent you. It’s every man for himself. And if you’re ever going to check out a lonely and/or haunted house in the middle of the night (because God forbid you actually go when light dey) charge your flashlight, carry extra batteries, charge your phone, be a sensible human please.
- Avoid night time activities in the woods:
If not that you don’t have a speck of home training, what are you looking for inside forest around 10pm? Ehn? Don’t you sleep? Or have things to do? You can’t run or hike or talk a walk to clear your head when there’s sun in the sky? It’s night that you feel all those things are needed okwaya? That’s how werewolf will come and carry you and they’ll do ‘Gone too soon’ on top your head.
- No dey disturb anybody:
When spirits and ancestors are resting, you’ll carry your big coconut head and oujia board and call them back from the otherworld. Allow them rest ffs! It’s no wonder they’re always cranky and wanting to destroy stuff. When you don’t like yourself, how do you expect them to like you?
- Be wary of your friends:
Not to sound like a Nigerian parent but be careful of the company you keep. Some people are demons in disguise, literally. Your friend starts acting up? Carry holy water. Wants to carry you to a bonfire in the woods? Cut that person off, and never talk to them again. If they ask you ‘Truth or Dare’? RUN!
- DON’T Split Up:
You’d think this would be pretty obvious considering you’re in a literal horror movie but no, that’s when some people think it’s a good idea to ‘split up’ to ‘look for clues’. Like sure, let’s make it easier for the demon/monster to pick us all off one by one. Some of your parents never gave you the ‘stronger together’ broom analogy and it shows.
- Don’t follow man/woman anyhow:
There is a serial killer on the loose, but because you can’t think with anything other than what’s between your legs, you’re doing one-night stand. One minute you’re kissing in the back seat of a parked car, the next you’re lying spread-eagled in the centre of a pentagram. Life comes at you fast.
