Being into music is a lot of work; you have to write lyrics, record so many times and even perform on stage. Now some of you newbies think being called to perform is just by jumping up and down, but I’ll tell you the things you can do if you find yourself on stage and people are yawning already
- Take off your cloth:
Please, this advice doesn’t apply if you don’t have six-packs to show off. Life is hard enough without having to sigh in disappointment when you take off your shirt on stage. And for the love of the good life, don’t fling your shirt into the crowd if you don’t have sweet-smelling cologne on it.
- Spray money:
Of course, this doesn’t count if you’re going to be paid 5k at the end of the performance. It’s just a way to catch everyone’s attention. You can bring on fifty naira mint notes and have people rushing to the stage to show you love.
- Take someone’s babe from the audience:
If they’re very bored of your singing, but you’re confident in your face, then just beckon to someone’s babe to come and dance with you on stage. Now, you might get planked on the streets after this but you don’t have to think about the worst, you get the attention right there and then, even if it’s from people planning your death.
- Hit the high notes:
This only applies if you actually have appreciable singing talent and don’t rely on auto tune to make bangers. You can always shut your eyes and grab the microphone by the neck while becoming the next Beyonce on stage. Even if someone was about to walk away, they’ll turn around and forever mark your face in their souls. If you miss a note and go off-key and someone throws pure water on your head, take anything you see like that.
- Organise choreographers:
To spice things up, let everyone wear red and yellow. Then paint your face white. Try to pay sensible people for make up so you don’t look like Sango olukoso on stage. At all at all, you’ll be moving left and right and twist to the back. If your backbone is as strong as an eighty year old Egyptian mummy, then don’t overdo it before they pack you to emergency unit to reconstruct whatever is left of your spine.